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Epoch Glide - Virtual Grape Gardens

Epoch Glide

A Shameless Chrono Trigger Parody
Kirbynite
The Jarl of Neo Grape Gardens




Suddenly, all the nuns looked in the direction of the organ. They all then shot a look at a specific nun nearest to the organ.

Nun Closest to the Organ: Oh, dear me. That was quite a draft. I must not have closed the door all the way.

The door that had opened was on the opposite of the organ.
Tyty
Can you not understand the words that are commin' outta my mouth?
Teyla: Haha, oh that's rich. I knew that last note sounded off.

She pulled the key off the organ.

Teyla: There's a switch under here, leading to a simple mechanism to open the door, correct?
Kirbynite
The Jarl of Neo Grape Gardens




Nun Closest to the Organ: P-Perhaps. There are s-several keys that are never used because we follow the sheet music very closely.

Nun: ... I think these are no random passerbyers.

All of the nuns looked at one another with rather narrowed eyes.
Tyty
Can you not understand the words that are commin' outta my mouth?
Teyla: ....

Her armored hand was making a slight whining noise, as her other hand hovered over her hip slightly.

Teyla: No, actually, we're not.
Ralzma
Beatrix looked stunned.

Beatrix: "So there is something going on! And you're all nuns who lied! How...how...how sinful!"
Kirbynite
The Jarl of Neo Grape Gardens




All of the nuns looked at one another before breaking out in laughter.

Nun: All we wanted was peace in the world.

The nuns grabbed onto their faces and bodies, and pulled, ripping off their skin and clothes. New bodies emerged, ones with a beautiful woman on the top half and a snake on the bottom half.

Naga: Or maybe just a piecccce of it.

The front door to the chapel suddenly slammed shut.

Naga: Come, sssissterss. Let uss begin preparing out meal.

The creatures began to move in on Beatrix and Lucca.
Ralzma
Beatrix would have normally delighted in the sound of a nun's clothes ripping, but she found herself particularly confused as she looked at the beautiful horrors before her. She wrinkled her nose at the snake tail and shook her head.

Beatrix: "Dammit Teyla, this is no time for weird thoughts! Come on, we have to fight!"

She grabbed for her kunai and moved in front of Teyla.

"If monsters are here, that must mean the queen is here too! Or... might be here, or something!"
Tyty
Can you not understand the words that are commin' outta my mouth?
Teyla: Haha~ Called it!

She grinned. She honestky found these forms more palatable than nuns, but whatever.

Teyla: Yeah, she's probably here. We're gonna have to get past these cuties before we can save her though.

Teyla drew her gun, and aimed her hand at one of the snakes, firing off a blast of fire at one of them.

Teyla: Shame for them I don't swing that way... And don't like being eaten. I guess that's the number one thing.
Kirbynite
The Jarl of Neo Grape Gardens




Teyla's flame hit its mark, engulfing one of the nagas in fire.

Burning Naga: Gyaaaaah!

Naga: Ah! Isss that magic!?

Naga 2: I thought humanss can't usse magic!

Naga 3: Sshut up and fight!

One of the nagas hissed before lunging towards Teyla, brandishing sharpened nails.
Tyty
Can you not understand the words that are commin' outta my mouth?
Teyla: Not magic.

She held up her gun, right at the Naga's face, and pulled the trigger.

Teyla: Science.
Ralzma
Beatrix stayed clear of Teyla's aim. She knew better. She knew much, much better.

Seeing the third naga off on her own and focusing on Teyla, she put her amateur ninja skills to use and dashed at it as fast as she could before jumping and flipping to deliver a flying kick.
Kirbynite
The Jarl of Neo Grape Gardens




The naga that was charging at Teyla was anticipating fire to be shot out, not a projectile that was going to move much faster. The naga fell over backwards, clutching its face in pain.

Meanwhile, the naga Beatrix was charging at held up an arm to block Beatrix's kick.


Naga: You pathetic humanss are not going to leave here alive!
Ralzma
As Beatrix's foot hit the naga's arm. She fell backward with a flip, and while flipping she threw two kunai at the naga. As soon as her feet touched the ground, she rammed her shoulder right against the naga.
Kirbynite
The Jarl of Neo Grape Gardens




The naga dodged one of the kunai, but was struck in the chest by the other, letting out an exasperated gasp. She was unable to retaliate in any way, and hit by Beatrix's shoulder bash, and promptly collapsed to the ground.

Also, that fourth naga? Struck in the back by the kunai the other naga had dodged. It went down too.
Tyty
Can you not understand the words that are commin' outta my mouth?
Teyla: Phew. I think that's it.

Her arm winded down loudly.
Kirbynite
The Jarl of Neo Grape Gardens




Suddenly, the tail of the naga that had a kunai in her back swung up and around, striking Teyla down to the ground. The tail remained on Teyla, pinning her down to the ground.

Naga: How annoying you pesstss are.

There was a shriek coming from a naga that had been set on fire.

Burnt Naga: My hair! It'ss all poofy now!

Naga: We've sseen your trickss now. We won't be caught off guard again.
Tyty
Can you not understand the words that are commin' outta my mouth?
Teyla seemed a bit dazed.

Teyla: So powerful... The scales are so smooth...

NO TEYLA NOW IS NOT THE TIME.
Ralzma
Beatrix raised her hands up and balled them into fists, sneering at the naga. Admittedly, throwing her only weapons wasn't exactly a great idea.

Beatrix: "It's... shut up! You don't know half of what I'm capable of! Those little weapons are just a taste! I'm a great master of deception and secret techniques of a school of martial arts you can't even conceive of in your most terrible nightmares!"
Grey
Grey
"OtoƱo!"

From the rafters of the church descended a figure, arms and legs spread wide in a full-body splash attack. It slammed, torso-first, into the unburned Naga, quickly wrapping its scaly arms around the snake-woman's stunned form.

"Siente el agarre de la mano de la victoria!"

The creature's legs bent for a moment as it squatted, the Naga in its arms, then straightened stiffly as its back arched and its torso swung upward into an over-the-shoulder suplex that hurled the unburnt Naga into its now-burning counterpart.

"Contemplar!"

As the two snake-women landed in a heap behind him, the creature did a kick-up to its feet and spun on its heel to face them, a pair of shining iron gauntlets that covered two clenched fists pointing in their direction.

"Foul beast! The winds of karma turn aside the blade that lacks honor in the ring!"

The sunlight streaming through the stained glass windows of the church poured in upon the creature as a bald head grinned beneath a red and white facemask. Its skin was scaly, its back ensconced in a thick red shell. The flare of cloth shorts poured out of the shell's leg-holes, suggesting that the creature wore the carapace more as an accessory than out of necessity. Leather boots stomped hard into the carpet of the chapel.

As if it was waiting for the single most dramatic moment to make its entrance, Beatrix and Teyla had just watched a human-sized turtle leap in from out of nowhere and suplex a snake-woman.
Tyty
Can you not understand the words that are commin' outta my mouth?
Teyla: WHOA. That was... WHOA.
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